Playing favorites

Yesterday I downloaded a song solely because it's the Chipmunk's favorite. I've never done this before, not even for the Monkey. It just makes me so happy when he starts dancing and singing along.

I'm afraid that the Chipmunk is turning into my favorite kid. I will do anything for him, even if it means that I suffer. He'll cry to be picked up, and I'll do it. He'll beg to go outside, and I'll go with him.

I'm not this accomodating with the Monkey. Is it because he's older and I can reason with him? Perhaps. Is it because if the Chipmunk doesn't get what he wants he throws a mega-tantrum? Maybe. But I'm not sure I don't get some sort of satisfaction from making him happy.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy making the Monkey happy, but the amount of joy the Chipmunk gets from little things seems a little intoxicating and I'd do anything to get that feeling myself. So, if I can make him happy, why not?

Am I wrong for doing this?

Does the Monkey realize the Chipmunk is my favorite?

Am I Spoiling him?



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Decision

I ended up starting the Lexapro the night I voiced my concerns. The final decision was made after a long talk with the Hubs where it was made clear that we are both going to need some help to get through this. Either medicinal, or otherwise.

I didn't take the Xanax until last night. It seems that one of the side effects of the Lexapro for me is insomnia. Since I was already an insomniac I was at my wits end after not sleeping for a few days. So, I took a Xanax last night and had the best nights sleep I've had in a long time. Which is unfortunate since I've just recently kicked an Ambien addiction. I really don't want to add Xanax addict to the list.

So, it seems for right now that there is better living through chemistry for me.



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Unsure

I don't know what came over me in that last post.

Unfortunately, I made it seem like the Hubs cheated on me. That is absolutely not the case. Although, I do think I feel somewhat betrayed.

Actually, I'm so confused I don't know if I even know what I'm feeling.

I went to the doctor today and asked for medication to help me cope with what's going on. I was prescribed Lexapro and Xanax. I'm scared to take them. I feel like such a failure for not being able to get through this without putting chemicals in my body. Chemicals that will change the way my brain works. Also, once I start taking them I'll have to stay on them or risk even more problems.

The sooner I start taking them, the sooner they'll start helping. But, what if the worst is over and I can get through the rest without assistance? I hate having these "what ifs" floating around my head.

Sometimes I wish we all came with owners manuals.


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One week

I feel like a sack of shit.

I'm so pissed at him.

I feel like I have lost my best friend. He says he wants to fix this. I want to fix this. I don't know if that's possible.

He says that I didn't have anything to do with it. I don't believe him. I don't believe him because the day it happened he called me to tell me what he had done. When I asked him why, he said that it was because he didn't think that I loved him anymore. If that's not an excited utterance, I don't know what is.

So now, I'm expected to go back to life as normal. I don't know how to do that.

He's getting help. He's on medication.

Where's my support? He was it. Now I can't trust him to be there for me. I have no one else in my life.

It's been one week and I can't concentrate on anything. I cant work. I can't sleep. I can't stop crying. He wants to know what's wrong.

What the fuck does he think is wrong?


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Keep on truckin'

Evidently I'm having a hard time keeping up here. No excuses, just blocked. Will try again.


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