Sunday, October 26, 2008

Hubby's last letter


First, let me say thank you for your reply, however there are some things I feel I must say in response. Maybe I will even enlighten you to some facts.Second. I want to make this absolutely clear. These are solely my views and opinions. I do NOT speak for Swiggy.

I don't much care what you two think of me, it has been quite apparent from the beginning that you have never liked me - at least The Witch hasn't, and I suspect that opinion will diminish further after you read this. Perhaps this is because I have helped Swiggy to not be afraid of her mother. My only regret is that I did not make my voice clearer to you several years ago.

Your money has never been a concern for us. Certainly I have never been entitled to a penny. It is, and always will be, yours to do with what you want. Maybe you do not understand this as you have money, but while you were here the Doormat kept asking why Swiggy was so intent on breastfeeding - money is a big factor - formula is expensive. However, it is also because breast milk is best for the baby, as well as the added benefit that breastfeeding aids the mothers recovery. The Witch kept asking why Swiggy is not going to be taking more time off of work. The answer there is two-fold. Money, and she has a boss and is only allowed so much time off of work. These facts have been expressed, even before you came, yet you are still both unable to grasp the reality that most people live in.

Since you brought up money I think it is worth making you aware of the following. My parents very generously, without needing to be asked, re-mortgaged their home to help us out of a financial mess some years ago. We still owe them a considerable sum. Swiggy had asked The Witch for help. The Witch refused and said "Life is supposed to be hard at your age". Doesn't that just epitomize "a most loving and generous person"? So no surprises that Swiggy is not getting anything once The Witch passes. Strange how I never heard any stories about The Jerk being made to suffer, or how his life was ever supposed to be hard. I guess you forgot to tell me those ones.

Besides, we were under the impression Swiggy had been written out of the will several years ago anyway. The Witch had told us as much.

Swiggy never expected money from you. All she ever wanted, indeed still wants, is for you to give her some love, attention and affection - unfortunately The Jerk got all of the above, and he also got the financial aid.

I think giving your money to charity is a great idea. Might I make a suggestion as to which one? Should Swiggy not be able to breast-feed The Chipmunk, and that is looking increasingly likely thanks in no small part to the added stress you have put on her since your unusual departure, I will need a second, maybe third, job. Formula is not cheap. We are OK with this. We got ourselves into this financial quagmire, and, with the help of friends and my family, we will get ourselves out. It just means that myself, The Monkey and The Chipmunk will continue shopping at Goodwill and Swiggy will not buy any new clothes for the fourth year in a row. If only she had some "compassionate, loving and generous" family members to assist. Sorry, I digress. Do not make Goodwill your charity lest Swiggy actually benefit. Perhaps the Humane Society would be a good choice. The Witch always has liked animals. Perhaps that is because they will not talk back to her.

It is you who is mistaken as to who initiated your leaving. After The Witch shouted at The Monkey,(Personally I think that is her new low spot, (I will get to some more later) and an apology for that is needed, but it does give me an insight into Swiggys' childhood) and I told The Witch to "Leave him out of it as he is only Five, or else I will get involved" she promptly stood up and said " That is it, we are leaving, I am not taking any more of this" She proceeded to the bathroom, and you went downstairs to pack. So I suppose, technically, it was my doing that led to your leaving. (Unsurprisingly yours and The Witchs recollection are of course different) What happened in the basement after wards may very well fit your description of events, but It was 100% The Witchs' comment that put you on the path you followed. The Witch never has been able to take criticism from me - perhaps that is because I do not yield to bullies.

Even though The Monkey was crying and would not shake your hand (He is Five remember and was very confused) he does remember you saying goodbye to him and we both remember you waving from the car. I guess the stress of being shouted at by his Grandmother was too much for his little heart to handle. Can you blame him? You should both know that he sobbed when you left. He did not want you to leave. Did you hear The Witchs' first words when she saw The Monkey? "He is quiet, that is good." Little boys should be seen and not heard I suppose.

I take it from your statement that The Witch was "still stunned" when you left that you did not hear what she said to me while I was emptying your car:

The Witch - "I am sorry I never had children"

Hubby - "What do you mean? You have Two"

The Witch - "No I don't, I don't know what that monster upstairs is"

What a very compassionate, loving and generous mother The Witch is! I doubt she will admit to that statement either.

Even if The Witch was stunned, she still, after calming down, could have returned and apologized ... now I see the error in my thought process. Apologize. The Witch. Nope. Prove me wrong. All she had to do was to say "Sorry" But I doubt she is capable of that emotion either. I have NEVER heard her say, or express in any way, that she has had any remorse for any of her actions. Ever. Prove me wrong.

It takes two to tango. Certainly there have been errors on our part, but I doubt The Witch would admit her errors. She certainly has never accepted an apology from Swiggy. You may recall she refused flowers Swiggy once sent as an apology. In her mind, The Witch can do no wrong. The mind of a delusioned, narcissistic individual for sure.

If you truly feel that the incident at the restaurant was "a strain" then you have a very low tolerance. As I mentioned in my earlier letter, perhaps a bit of compassion and empathy for a woman recovering from surgery and severe sleep deprivation should have been considered. And of course her hormones are all over the place right now.

Swiggy was simply asking a question as to whether The Witch had decided to consciously eat ice-cream instead of eating dinner. Nothing more, nothing less. Personally, I was a little upset as I really thought you would both have enjoyed eating at one of our favorite restaurants. So sorry if you read more into it than that.

I am actually surprised your tolerance is so low. I would have thought listening to The Witch's shrills (I have heard them many times myself) you would be thicker skinned. Perhaps that is why you won't install Air Conditioning in your office so that The Witch won't, and I quote, "Pester me!" Seems like a double standard to me.

What other "strains" do you refer to? With the exception of the obvious travelling and altitude you had to endure, we both have admitted the trip went well - up until the end.

I wonder if The Witch is jealous of Swiggy as she was unable to reproduce?

How can The Witch even begin to believe she is a good Mother? For that matter, how can you believe that The Witch is a good Mother. There are many more events that I have witnessed over the past 15 years that I could elaborate on to emphasize the point, but I don't need to. The only needed proof that she is a lousy mother is clear. If you deny everything else in this letter (and I am sure The Witch can manipulate the truth to make that the case), the following you cannot deny.

A good, or even mediocre, mother would not flat deny the possibility that an admitted molester could have done what he did to Swiggy. It is despicable. I had always held some hope that her view would change. I was naive. I semi-applaud you, Doormat, as you had always made it clear that you did not dis-believe Swiggy. But not The Witch. Never. Ever. It is now clear why she is good at forgiving the prodigal son - he can apparently do no-wrong. You should know that that breaks Swiggys' heart every single day.

The Witch didn't like being shouted at! Maybe she should try being molested and then being called a liar for it for 20 plus years. That is a wound that will never heal. Excuse us if we don't give The Witch pity.

Surely you figured that out by yourselves? Any decent parent would have.


You talk of Swiggys' lack of compassion. First you are mistaken, she is extremely compassionate to those who deserve it. But even if you are correct, read those last few paragraphs again and then show me the woman who erred the greatest. And then wonder where Swiggy learned her so called lack of compassion from.

The Witch does not get Swiggy's respect simply because she is her Mother. She has to earn that respect. Does she even know Swiggy's birthday, age, or wedding anniversary? Any time she has been asked in the past she has gotten it wrong. What a loving Mother! That is the tip of a very deep iceberg. These may not seem important to you, but they are to Swiggy.

Not being there for some important and pivotal events in Swiggy's life is not the road to respect. Perhaps that is why Swiggy was not there for The Witch following her stroke. What is good for the Goose is good for the Gander. Perhaps The Witch now knows what it is like when the shoe is on the other foot. You will of course remember that we both bent over backwards to help out following your broken neck incident. Need I mention again The Witchs continued denial of Swiggy being molested. What a wonderful example of compassion. The Witch again leading by example. If you think Swiggy's behavior is worse than that, then you are both more shallow than even I thought possible.

In case you didn't know, a very big reason for us attempting to move to the East Coast 6 years ago was so that our children (if at that point we were to have any) would have at least one set of grandparents nearby. Swiggy always hoped her children would be treated better by you than she was. You may also have guessed that while you were here we were fishing to see if you two might consider retiring to Colorado for the same reason - you would have acclimated to the altitude given time. But now, I do not want to have my children go through the torments that Swiggy has gone through. Nothing they do will be good enough, no apology will ever be accepted, I will not have them spoken to in the same tone Swiggy is, I do not want to have to fix their hearts when they are broken as I have had to with Swiggy at least a dozen times, I could go on.

Rest assured that if I have my way The Witch will not see her Grandchildren again. I will not allow it. Unless, of course, she can admit that she has made some terrible errors, is completely sorry, and begs Swiggy for her forgiveness. And even then I will need convincing.

The door is slightly ajar for you, Doormat.

Unfortunately We now need to think of a way to tell The Monkey and The Chipmunk why they likely cannot see their grandparents who live in the same country. Ironically we will try to put a positive spin on it. I wonder if The Witch would have been so generous? Maybe we will say you are too busy with The Jerk to pay them any attention, that is after all what happened with Swiggy. Even E will admit that. Will you? And if so, you shouldn't be surprised of her feelings towards you.

Doormat, you have said to me over the years a few times that The Witch does love Swiggy. Funny how I have never heard her say that to me. Nor have I heard her tell Swiggy that. Moreover, even if she has said it, simply saying it is not enough, actions speak louder than words, and The Witch's actions have spoken volumes, but not in a good way. If only The Witch was half as good with her actions and emotions as she clearly is with her writing. She certainly has earned her respect in that field.

Let me clarify some of the "Low spots" you both seem bewildered about. When Swiggy talks of a low spot I believe she is referring to actions that are most un-parent like. Things that you should be sorry for and possibly ashamed of, but are not. Perhaps because to you they do not seem wrong.

  • At the top of my list is the aforementioned grandmother shouting at her 5 year old grandchild incident.
  • Not believing in any shape or form that Swiggy was molested, and then thinking that she lied about it.
  • Not attending her High School graduation on the promise you would attend her College graduation.
  • Not attending her College graduation because "Those things are not important to us" This seems selfish, and I expect inaccurate as I am sure you would have gone had it been the U of C. And if not that is still simply selfish.
  • Not getting on a plane and coming to see us when you were already at the airport. You didn't even wait another 10 minutes to see if the airline resolved the problem (which it had). Again you broke her heart.
  • When we drove to Chicago (my idea, as Swiggy was sobbing in the airport, afraid you would not get to see The Monkey) we were quite obviously made to feel un-welcome by The Witch. And then The Witch got mad at a then three year old Monkey for chasing the cat, The Witch responded by saying " I hope he gets scratched!" We spent the visit counting the days till we could leave. We didn't cry off on the next plane home as we wanted The Monkey to see his Grandparents.
  • The Witch refusing the apology and flowers Swiggy sent her.
  • The Witch refusing to EVER accept ANY of Swiggy's apologies.
  • Getting mad at Swiggy after The Monkey was born for not driving down to where you live by herself to see you. Swiggy was still recovering from the birth. I did not want Swiggy to drive that far in her weakened state - and neither should you have. We could have come on a weekend, but The Witch did not want me to come.
  • Not seeing The Monkey until he was over a year old when you lived only 3 hours away. That one still kills Swiggy.
  • Thinking that Swiggy was simply "having fun" when my mother came to help for the first few weeks of The Monkey's life, and then conveniently forgetting that we had given you the choice as to when you wanted to come visit as my parents had to make travel plans.
  • Not realising, still, that we have regular M-F 9-5 jobs and cannot simply go wherever we want, whenever we want. We both have superiors to report too.
  • This next one is tricky as It involves our wedding. Which was in a beautiful setting. But it was marred by the fact that following Swiggy being told she could only invite so many people, which was fair since you were paying, to then find out there were a bunch of people at the wedding that The Witch had invited, some of whom we didn't even know! Even on Swiggys' special day The Witch was basically saying look at me, look what I have done. We have always said that one day we will get married again, and invite who WE want. Even if Swiggy had been asked about these additions there would have been no point her expressing her resentment.
  • Not putting E on the top table at our wedding. I was embarrassed for her.
  • Any time The Witch wants one of her "special chats" privately with Swiggy and then gives her dietary advice. The very last person anyone should take dietary advice from is The Witch - ice cream for dinner and cookies for breakfast, again leading by example.

Having listed those points I have no idea why Swiggy keeps coming back for more punishment. She is stronger than even I give her credit for. Perhaps she hopes that one day you will change, admit your errors, and start loving her with your actions. Starting with the molestation would be a good place to begin.

I would expect there are many, many more examples that Swiggy has, but they are some of mine. Do you now see some of the low spots? Do you yet blame yourselves, in any form, for the way Swiggy treats you? I doubt it. I expect you still think The Witch is compassionate, loving and generous. Simply saying it does not make it so.

Doormat, I wish you well in the future and hope that The Witch continues to make pointless online purchases to fill the empty void in her heart.

I absolutely understand you protecting The Witch, but I am at a complete loss as to why you defend her so heavily. Maybe you are blinded to the true horrors, simply don't care, are easily manipulated or something else. Whatever your reasons, of which I have no interest in knowing, I truly hope you feel you are making the right decisions with regards to your daughter, and that you can be at peace with those decisions.

As far as I am concerned my relationship with The Witch has ended. I want nothing more to do with her until she is mature enough to admit her shortcomings, apologize to her grandchild and starts treating her daughter the way she deserves to be treated. That will probably please her as she no longer needs to deal with me. She has also said in the past that she will not change. So I am not holding my breath.

If Swiggy wishes to continue her relationship with her parents then I will not stand in her way. She is a grown woman capable of making her own decisions. I just hope that you and The Witch do not hold my words against Swiggy.

You will also notice that I am sending you this email from my personal account and not from our joint account. This is so that I do not hurt Swiggy any more than she already has been. I did NOT tell Swiggy that her "compassionate, loving and generous mother" called her a Monster. The ball is in your court now. I emplore you to do the right thing.

As I said at the beginning these are my views, I do not speak for Swiggy. Hate me, not Swiggy.


PS I have an idea for The Witchs' new book. A woman who kills people by continuosly breaking their heart. She could make it her autobiography. Will there be a happy ending ...

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