Unsure

I don't know what came over me in that last post.

Unfortunately, I made it seem like the Hubs cheated on me. That is absolutely not the case. Although, I do think I feel somewhat betrayed.

Actually, I'm so confused I don't know if I even know what I'm feeling.

I went to the doctor today and asked for medication to help me cope with what's going on. I was prescribed Lexapro and Xanax. I'm scared to take them. I feel like such a failure for not being able to get through this without putting chemicals in my body. Chemicals that will change the way my brain works. Also, once I start taking them I'll have to stay on them or risk even more problems.

The sooner I start taking them, the sooner they'll start helping. But, what if the worst is over and I can get through the rest without assistance? I hate having these "what ifs" floating around my head.

Sometimes I wish we all came with owners manuals.


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One week

I feel like a sack of shit.

I'm so pissed at him.

I feel like I have lost my best friend. He says he wants to fix this. I want to fix this. I don't know if that's possible.

He says that I didn't have anything to do with it. I don't believe him. I don't believe him because the day it happened he called me to tell me what he had done. When I asked him why, he said that it was because he didn't think that I loved him anymore. If that's not an excited utterance, I don't know what is.

So now, I'm expected to go back to life as normal. I don't know how to do that.

He's getting help. He's on medication.

Where's my support? He was it. Now I can't trust him to be there for me. I have no one else in my life.

It's been one week and I can't concentrate on anything. I cant work. I can't sleep. I can't stop crying. He wants to know what's wrong.

What the fuck does he think is wrong?


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Keep on truckin'

Evidently I'm having a hard time keeping up here. No excuses, just blocked. Will try again.


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Three days!

It took me three days to figure it out.

Three days!

I bought the bottle on Sunday and didn't touch it until I was in the shower on Monday morning. So, maybe it only took me two days to figure it out.

I ran out of shampoo during my shower on Sunday morning.

I bought another bottle - with a pump dispenser - later on that morning.

While I was taking a shower Monday morning, I tried to open the new bottle - I couldn't do it.

I twisted, and twisted, the pump to try and get it to pop up so I could actually, you know, pump - I couldn't do it.

I tried pulling the pump up - I couldn't do it.

I went through all of this on Tuesday morning too.

Both days I gave up and took the whole top off of the bottle and dumped some shampoo into my hand. Do you know how awkward that is?

All this time I still had the old bottle (with the same pump dispenser!) in the shower. What can I say, I'm lazy.

Finally, on Wednesday morning, I came to my senses. I swapped out the pumps on the two bottles!

I was able to wash my hair without frustration.

I can't believe it took me so long to come up with a solution.

I'm such an idiot.

Either that or I'm just really tired when I shower in the morning.

Nah, I'm an idiot.

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I can't sleep

It's 15 minutes til midnight and I've been up since 5:45 this morning.

I've been running full on from then until 8:30 tonight. I was exhausted when I left work tonight.

But, for some unknown reason I'm awake right now. I've even taken extra Ambien and I still can't sleep.

What's wrong with me?


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